Jeter made it simple

It was hot. I like the house to be at a certain temperature. BELOW FREEZING!! Granted the energy conservationist in me puts up a fight, but the fat girl that wants to lay in bed and dwell on day dreams and comfort always wins. And when I say comfort, I mean COMFORT. Sixty-nine degrees of straight chill, while I marinate under my level three Ikea comforter. So, this morning, when I woke up in a pool of sweat...I was a tad bit pissed.

Jeter was fidgety in his kennel next to me. They guy at the pet store told me that I shouldn't keep him locked in there longer than eight consecutive hours. I timed it in my head. I got home at about 1:44 am. Crawled into bed at like 2am, so I could stay in bed until 10am. It was 8:17am and I was awake and even worse, I was hot. My roomate was already gone, at least I think she was because I couldn't understand how anyone else would be surviving in this torturous Miami heat. My mom told me the other day that New York was in the high nineties. At least we have ocean surrounding us...so I really shouldn't be complaining. But, anyway, back to my story.

I roll my chunky monkey self out of bed and make my way to the temperture control thingy for the air conditioner. It was up to SEVENTY NINE!! Seriously?!?! I went ahead and lowered the temperature and made my way back to the bed. By this time, Jeter is up and jumpy because he thinks it's play time. I look at him and say..."Not yet baby! Go back to sleep." He begins to whine. It's breakfast time and what kind of mother would I be if I deny my child food?

Whatever, I was out of bed anyway. So, I open his kennel and lead him to the back door. My puppy needs to do his morning business. I leave him outside and walk back into the house so that I can get his breakfast ready for him. But, he follows me back in. I walk back out with him and ONLY when he is sure that I am watching and not moving...he poops! Yaay, he poopied outside and not in my room. I get all excited and then he recipricates by doing it again. Sad that at my age I get excited that my dog can poop outside. I thought it was a given!

We walk back in the house and Operation Feed Puppy begins. I prepare his food and bam...Jeter is eating. I take the opportunity to walk over to the bathroom and brush my braced teeth. Jeter follows. I look at him and tell him..."Go eat Jeter." He looks at me with his sad puppy dog face and his big eyes and his head tilts over just a tad. I hear his look telling me "Come on Mommy!" He wins....I'm just a sucker for wimpering and sad faces.

I walk over and I lean on the kitchen wall and watch him enjoy his breakfast. When he is done, he runs towards the front door and I take that as a sign that he needs to go use the "facilities." Turns out I was right. He runs out and bam...baby pee-peed. Again, a swell of joy fills my heart and I am happy. In turn, I make him happy. A simple good job and a tummy rub go a long way with a puppy. I start to wonder if I could benefit from one of those.

He follows me through out the house and is constantly searching for my attention and affection. He loves me for apparently no reason. It's easy. I give him and he gives me. At night when I come home, he's there. Tail wagging, smile on his puppy dog face and he is excited to see me. I can't tell you how much joy this brings me. To know that there can be a relationship where you don't have to invest everything you are and everything you could be into the other being to make it work baffles me. If it's so simple in a human/dog relationship, why can't it be simple in the human/human dynamic?

Friends are love...

There are those times in life that one feels alone. Its that feeling where you think that there is no one in the world that understands you. Since no one understands you, then no one cares. And, since no one cares, what's the point of going on? Then the craziness and the madness starts. Take it from me, I've been there more than once in my life. I have to say that the cliche of take it day by day or what doesn't kill you make you stronger....yeah, they are all on point.

Last night I had one of those moments. Or actually this whole trip was like that. I was hesitant to come because of the circumstances that occured prior to this. I wanted to crawl into a hole and dwell on my own sadness. I guess I should give you some background information before the epiphany of my life slapped me to my knees yesterday.

Ok, so it all starts with an ex-boyfriend of mine. He and I had a good relationship. I would have to say that it was my first REAL adult relationship. Yeah, I know that I was married and with the same man for the beginning of my twenties AND we were together for about eight years. But, I wouldn't call that an adult relationship. It was more of friendship with aspirations to become a relationship. But, enough about that.

Ex-boyfriend or Bruce (name has been changed DUH!) had a relationship like none I have ever experienced. We talked a lot. But, it was more than talking. It was communications. I would speak, he would listen, he would give his thoughts on the subject and vise versa. Everything was on the table. There was nothing that we couldn't discuss. For the first time, my thoughts didn't scare me. He taught me the art of communication and how to have an arguement without shouting and without judgement.

Example: Our arguements would flow like this:
"I can't believe you just said that."
"Said what?"
"That you prefer pink."
"I don't get it. What's the point?"
"How can you like pink? Your such a jerk sometimes."
"It's my opinion. You have yours and I have mine. And, your right...the way that I said it made me come off as a jerk, BUT not the words. I should've said it differently. I didn't mean to upset you. I'm sorry."

I'm sure you guessed that he would be the green, while I would be the peachy color. Our relationship was awesome. We would go out and he would always ask me what I wanted to do and would never complain about it. He would laugh and have a good time no matter where we were. We never had any uncomfortable silences. The silence was soothing. We were comfortable with one another. But, I feel way before he did and ummm he had a situation that he never told me about. He was still married.

Needless to say, our relationship ended and our friendship continued. When I say friendship, I mean friendship. He's there when I need him and he understands me like no other. He gets me and he gets my craziness. He accepts me for who I am and we can still talk and hang out like we used to. I respect his marriage (now that I know he has one) and he respects my single life and the fact that I go out on dates. Why am I telling you this?

Well, someone came into my life soon after he exited who was single. He meet all the qualifications and we were off. We were soulmates. I wrote about him a couple of days ago, the post is titled "My Soul Mate?". Up until last night, I believed that we were. Everything was there. We could talk, we shared the same passion for baseball, had similar retirement plans...we were a match made in heaven.

Last night, over a sober game which lead into a conversation, two of my besties started to analyze my relationship. One more than the other. She asked me what I saw in my "soulmate." My reaction was like dude, you met him. You had a conversation with him. You told me you liked the way he interacted with me, the way he respected me and the way he gave me this caring look. I told her that she had given me the green light. Then she asked the question that changed everything.

"Other than your shared love of baseball, what else do you like about him?" Seemingly, this should have come easy. I should have been able to gush about him and my answer should have been, "where do I start?" Instead, I found myself struggling with why I like him so much. It was his eyes, his height...no....he's smart, he has a solid career....no...none of these things had anything to do with why? I mean, this is the answer that you would give a random person on the street, not a good friend.

When women break down men for other women. Women that you are not emotionally connected to, we tend to say "Look at him, why wouldn't I want him." When you break him down to another woman that you are emotionally connected to, you go deeper. You tell her how he makes you feel and you give her details, situations, small insignificant things that meant the world to you. When I couldn't come up with anything to tell her...she said the words that made me fall on my ass. I had the night to sleep on it and I have yet to get find my way back up.

She said, "You are not into him. You are settling. The person that you want is married and is unavailable. You feel that the closet you can find to him is your 'soulmate'. Your 'soulmate' is available and meet some of the qualities that Bruce has but he isn't Bruce. 'Soulmate' is an asshole and Bruce isn't. You are blind to him being an asshole because you are too busy thinking that you aren't going to find anything like that again. Think about it. Do you really want to settle?" Then the other bestie jumped in (she had been quiet this whole time) "You settled for your husband and look how that turned out." Then they both exited the room.

Well, I'm in analysis mode right now. But the point of this story is that friends are hard to come by. Friends that understand you, love you, and who give you harsh words for your improvement are a needle in a haystack. I have said this many times before and I will never tire of saying this. I am blessed to have the people that I have in my life. If friends are the family that we choose for ourselves, I've held on to a great set of people. Each one has their own personality, their own ways, and they have different backgrounds. The one thing that they all have in common is that they love me.

God has blessed me many times. From the family that I was born into, to the challenges I have had to face and overcome, to the people he has put in my path and has held there throughout the years. There's a calm in knowing that whatever dark times lie ahead, I have a solid support base. They know me well enough to know when I lie to myself and call me on it. My peace of mind is priceless and that's what friends do for you.

It isn't so black anymore...

He called today. I had to remind myself to breathe. I don't know if it's weird or not, but we've been dating for a couple of weeks now and I've already assigned him a ring tone. From our first date we discovered that we both share a passion for Pearl Jam AND our favorite song (which we discovered over Starbucks coffee, he likes that too!!) is Black. The song is basically about a break up and how that person being gone has turned your world to black. There's an absence of feeling and emotions now that the person is gone. I've felt that way before and he has to.

Not that it's in our control, because people are an evolving species, but we promised that we wouldn't hurt each other intentionally. I know that it's a lot to promise so quick in the relationship, but we've both been hurt in the past. We have both felt used in previous relationships and this time it's going to be different. This time I will put his feelings, his wants, his needs and his desires before my own. He's going to do the same for me. After all, isn't that what a relationship is supposed to be like?

So, my phone rang. I was half asleep. I don't get up that early. I see that it's him and immediately my heart flutters. I answer the phone and he's awake and super happy, the best way to wake up in the morning. Good morning sleepy head, he says. I have a question for you. It's too soon for him to ask me to marry him, so I laugh and say shoot. He responds with I'd rather not, but I would like to know if you knew why golfers wear two pairs of pants? I didn't even know they did, I respond. He laughs and says it's in case they get a hole in one. I start laughing hysterically and he laughed too. You're silly, I tell him. You like it, he says. In fact I do. 

He reviews our date information for tonight and says he's really excited to try this new restaurant. It's not really new new. It's probably been around for a long time. But, the other day when we were driving around Miami Beach we saw this little bistro and decided that it was worth a try. He remembered and is taking me there tonight. I asked him if they served anything with mangoes, reminding him of our inside joke. He laughed and said, no silly, I have all the mango I need. Go back to sleep and get some rest, you'll need it for tonight. I smile, agree and hang up the phone. I don't go back to sleep.

The truth is that I am happy. I haven't felt this way in a long time. There is something about him that moves me. He inspires me to do more to want more out of life. Our connection goes way deeper than the physical and believe me when I tell you that this guy is gorgeous. I feel privileged to walk hand in hand with him. But, putting his ten status out of the picture, it's his attention to detail that makes me so proud to be with him. He knows me. He analyzes me and plays close attention to what I like and don't like. He wants to make me happy and will not rest until he knows that I am satisfied. I like that.  

So the question that hangs in the air right now is what I will wear for our date. I was contemplating wearing a black dress. Something classy, but sexy. After all I am a woman, and I have to look the part. Slight cleavage but the dress comes down to my knees. To make sure I stand out, my shoes are a romantic bright red. Give my outfit a little flair by adding a small amount of red accessories and my hair will be in loose curls and picked up half way. The make-up of course will be light and highlighted with a red lipstick that matches my shoes and I will be set. I hope he likes it. 

As I lay in bed and stare at the ceiling. I'm amazed.  I hope this feeling doesn't go away. I am tired of being disappointed and being hurt by men. I do realize that I give too much in relationships. I hope that he won't take advantage of me. I hate being just another number on someones list. I wasn't made for that. I was made to be in a committed relationship with someone who feels the same way I do. A couple of years ago,  I would have crumbled at the idea of being on the verge of turning thirty and not being married and not having kids. I had a plan back then. 

I heard somewhere that when we make plans, God laughs at us. I think this is most true in my life. My life plan wasn't supposed to be this way. I started off twenty one right on track and it came to a crashing halt at the age of twenty seven. Then I had to start all over. I'm glad. This is the way my life should be. Me, my dog, and peace. Nothing to come between us and nothing to upset me. Everything else is an add-on and for that, I am grateful.

 

 

 

Ju wan man-go?

I was exhausted the day we met. It was the crack of dawn. I had barely slept. My hair was all over the place, my pajamas hadn’t left my body... come to think of it, I don’t even think  I was wearing a bra . This, with DD size breast, isn’t cute. I probably had eye boogers and dried up saliva on my mouth. I tend to drool sometimes. Either way, I resembled a Picasso. I was distorted and not making sense, but in his eyes, I was beautiful. At least that’s what I believed when I found out the extent of what he had to do to find me.

He knocked on my door and proceeded to ask the age old question that every person with a Mango tree gets during Mango season. Good morning, he said, may I take some mangoes from your tree? A million thoughts ran through my head at that point. The main one being, why would you wake me up at 7am to ask me for some damn mangoes? Jump the fence, grab them and then flee the scene. I would’ve been none the wiser and I’d be hibernating in some deep REM right about now. Contrary to what I was thinking and feeling, I was nice. Of course, I said behind sleepy eyes, take ‘em all if you want. He walked around the house and into the back yard.

I closed the front door and was walking back to bed when it hit me. He might need a bag for the harvest he was lifting from my backyard. I got some plastic shopping bags that I keep on deck for my puppy’s poopies and open the back door. It was then that I noticed it. He was hot! It wasn’t the normal hot that I am attracted to. I usually go for the funny nerd sitting in the corner. Not one to chase looks, intellect attracts me. But, this time, the outside had grappled my attention and I was hooked.

By God was this man muscular. He had his back to me, but he had to be about 6’2, not sure about the weight because the muscles might make him sound heavy. He had dark hair, light eyes and when he reached up to the tree to grab a mango, something moved inside me. It wasn’t sexual, it felt deeper than that. Something that hadn’t been touched in a really time. I craved his attention, but this one had to be played properly. I called him over and asked him if he needed a bag. When he turned around with about 5 mangoes resting on his tattooed deliciously formed arms and I saw the dimple on his cheek when he smiled at me I was sold. I wanted him.

This was a first for me. My besties always told me that I was the male in every relationship that I’ve had. I love to tease them, draw them in and once I have them wrapped around my little finger I lose interest and break their hearts. Truth of the matter was I didn’t believe in love. Love was for suckers. I had fallen one to many times and I refused to play the idiot ever again. Get what you want and then leave them wanting more. That way you will always be the one that got away, but you will always have your integrity and an untarnished heart.

All this changed for me once we made eye contact. Wow. I didn’t think that a cold heart could warm up with one smile and one gaze, but my heart did. It felt as if instantly I was in love. He could see right through me. I knew him like no other and he knew me. We were…..soul mates. Destined to spend eternity together and having a link to the past. No one would ever come between our bond and nothing on this earth could ever tear us apart.

He walked over to me and grabbed the bag. He smiled again and said thank you. He sheepishly looked down at my chest and then I remembered. NO BRA! I did not brush my teeth and this Adonis was standing a spoiled milk breath away. Oh my God, my curly kinky hair was probably pointing out all the flaws in the earth at that moment. Not to mention the fact that my breast were not perfectly shaped and plumped up to reveal a suggestive decollage. It seemed as if I were an octopus. I had hands and arms flailing about to cover my breast, draw down my shorts, fix my hair, wipe my mouth and remove the eye boogers that had accumulated over night. All the while, I continued to smile with my eyes and draw him into my web of proposed happiness. I could tell how he cautiously laughed that he was sold. This man was going to be mine.

Thanks for the bag, he said, rather shy I thought. This was no way for him to react to me. I mean, I’m practically naked in front of him. Men can always tell when they have a woman where they want them and THIS man can have ME any which way he finds fit. I was ready to be molded and delivered to an eternal bliss. Regardless of how my body and heart alike, quivered for this man, he didn’t notice it. I politely smiled, said you’re welcome and told him I was going back to bed. Hope you get some sleep, he coyly said, I’m sorry to have awaken you. Don’t worry about it, I smiled as I walked back up to the door and walked back into my house.

I stood up against the door for what seemed like hours. I smiled. I hadn’t felt this happy in a very long time. I didn’t know his name, I didn’t know who or what he did. I just knew that he wanted my mangoes. My mangoes made him happy and because he was happy, I was too.

My Soul Mate?

Baseball bought us together. Inability to commit tore us apart. There was something about his eyes that immediately registered with me. There was a kindness, a loving touch hidden between his intimidating demeanors. He made me comfortable from the first time I said hello. It felt as if I had known him my whole life. For the first time in my life, I actually believed in the idea of having a soul mate.

We were both divorced. He had a child, I wanted one. We were in the same line of work. We both had a similar manner in dealing with people. He was the extrovert, I the introvert. He was the balance I longed for and desperately needed. I was the spunk he was missing in his life. So, why is it that I find myself without him?

From the beginning, I was more open that he could have ever wished for. Coming from many failed relationships, I was done with the sugar coating and the BS that is normally associated with dating. I was up front from the beginning. “All that I expect and could ever ask from you is honesty.” I asked him. I also threw in there that if I ever caught him lying that would be the end of my respect and our friendship. He promised to never lie and asked the same from me. It was a done deal.

He told me he was in the process of getting a divorce. It wasn’t final. They had a child in common and multiple properties. My divorce was simple and uncontested. His complicated. I was a virgin to his issues. However, I offered my support and was there to listen when he didn’t have an ear. I don’t think we ever really went out on a date. All of our outings were surrounding baseball games that I willingly provided my television for; he would bring the wings and beer. We formed a bond.

I could feel myself catching feelings and I knew it was time to establish what we were and what we were going to be. We, yes WE, both decided that we were not prepared for something serious. Things were going good the way that they were and there was no reason to spoil it by placing a title on it. We would wait for his issues to be settled, but in the meantime, we were going to enjoy each other’s company. 

I don’t know why it hit me the way that it hit me, when I found out he was also dating one of my co-workers. Turns out this co-worker was married. I don’t know what bothered me more, the fact that she was a MARRIED woman or the fact that he was sleeping with someone that I saw on a regular basis. Either way, it disgusted me. Just like I had promised, I asked him about it. No sugar coating, no leading up to the line of questioning. I wanted to know.

He was hesitant at first, and tried to cover up his tracks. I never ask a question that I don’t already know the answer to and I ALWAYS do my homework. I like to be prepared with an opening argument and a solid case. I normally wing it when it comes to my closing statement. He failed on all accounts. I believe I even went so far as to add my own truths and see where that would lead me. Of course, my bluff worked in my favor because he gave me more information than what I cared to know. 

Although, I felt a sting in my heart, I called it quits. There was no point in working towards reconciliation. Keeping in mind that we were never official, I was offended that he was actually dating other people. We were never a couple, I had hopes that one day we would be. I gave him the respect that I felt he deserved. Even though, I had many opportunities to see other people, I never gave in. I wanted his voice to be my wake up call, I wanted him to be my first call after work, I only wanted his lips to brush up against mine, I wanted his hugs to console me….there was no one else for me.

After a couple of months of being free from him, a death rekindled our relationship. I wanted to make sure he was okay, and we began talking again. Once again, I found myself falling for him. This time around, I was going to keep myself on guard. I was going to date around and not be committed and I definitely would not sleep with him. I was going to stay sober from this drug that consumed me and left me empty inside. It didn’t work.

Within a couple of days, my relapse had begun. I sent him and email one night, where I confessed my feelings for him. I told him that I was ready to settle down again. I saw myself getting married and having children one day. Don’t misunderstand me; I wasn’t rushing him down the isle. I’m not even sure that he is “the one.” But, I do know that I am getting older and that I am done with the games. I am currently only accepting serious applications. 

We had a decent conversation. He wasn’t where I was. He didn’t see himself getting married ever again. I totally could deal with that. The deal breaker however, he did not want more children. He had a son already from his previous relationship. Kids were out of the question. I couldn’t compromise on that note. He understood. He didn’t want to lose me and wanted me in his life. I couldn’t be his friend and accept the fact that he would be with someone else. Call it quits again. I had to get over him. 

I know this is redundant, but we were at it again. Actually, we are at that point again. I love being around him. He has this comforting aura about him. My guard is immediately brought down and the major stressors in life become nothing in his presence. When I am wrapped up in his arms, I feel protected from all the evils in this world. I have deep emotions for this man. He knows me like no other.

But, yet, we just aren’t meant to be.

simple and sweet

Love is simple. Take for instance the love of a puppy. As I write this, my puppy, Jeter (Yes, I did name him after my fifteen year crush New York Yankee Shortstop Derek Jeter) (GO YANKS!!)...ok got it out of my system....Jeter is currently sleeping on my lap. He's a mix between a bull terrier and a pug. For those of you who are dog lovers, you know that the puppy training phase is a difficult one. Right now, I am battling the potty training war. So far, he's winning.

After a detailed conversation with my bestie and many poo-poo pick ups, I have decided that I am going to become very strict with his kennel training. So all day today, he's been stuck in his kennel. Whining up a storm! Each time the whines would become a little bark, I would let him out and direct him outside. He didn't get the reasoning behind it and thought it was play time. Let's just say that he needs his nails clipped. So after many scratches to my feet, I decided to let him stay outside, in the gated back yard, by himself and see if he would figure out that I wanted him to go poo-poo outside. 

He understood this as abandonment. He stayed by the door and cried and cried and cried. I went and got him and let him back inside the house. I turn my back and not only did he drop one load of enormous poo-poo on the floor, but he left me three loads along with a nice puddle of pee-pee to wash it all down. So, I wipe him down and place him back in the kennel. Of course he still is at loss. He wants to play, he wants to be with me.  He needs my attention. The sound of my voice or my presence sent him in to crazy mode. I don't like hearing him moan and groan in pain. I want to play with him, but he has to learn.

After leaving him there, to the point that I can't stand the screams, I decide to pick him up and sit him on my lap. I pull one of his softer toys and give it to him so that he won't nibble on my arm, which he enjoys doing. As I updated my facebook status, Jeter played with his toy on my lap. He's relaxed. Eventually, he dropped his toy and cuddled up on my lap, close to my belly and decided to take a nap. And this is how he stayed. 

This is how many of my relationships have gone. I give in to the whines and pleas and always come back. I never let them go long enough without my attention, so how can they appreciate me when I do give it to them. By no means am I comparing men to dogs, because a dog is loyal to the hand that feeds him. Now that I think about it, it makes me sound like a bitter jaded woman...which to some extent I am. So, how do I go about changing this.

Going back to the comparison between men and dogs, certain dog breeds are "crazier" than others. You need to find the breed that works for you. The first step is to identify the personality traits that you are attracted to. Figure out which ones all of your exes have in common and go against that. Keeping in mind NOT to take some of those "traits" as a negative thing.

For example, I dated this guy, Nissan for a while. He was super sweet and very attentive. There was this one day that I needed a car wash. I drove to his house, I followed him to the place he gets his car washed. We went to the mall and did a little shopping while we waited for my car to be washed. Not a big deal...right? Well, a screw went off in my head. Since he was forcing me to go to HIS carwash and go shopping at HIS mall for HIS items, then that meant he was controlling. I freaked out and placed him on the back burner. He was just too intense and exactly like my ex who controlled me. I admit that I had a moment of psychosis there. I probably ruined what could have been a good relationship. Because I looked WAY to into a small kind gesture. 

Life is learning process. There is a right way of doing things and the wrong way. The wrong way would be NOT to learn from the mistakes made in the past. I choose to learn and adapt. The ideal man doesn't require much from me. Just my attention and my affection...the rest just falls into place. If it's too difficult, it wasn't meant to be.

Moving on...



Break ups can all to often feel like a death. In fact, it is the death of the relationship. Someone that you wanted to spend your every waking hour with, is now the object of your pain and sorrow. How could it be that you went from having butterflies when this person popped into your head to now feeling an aching pain in the pit of your stomach that will not go away?

I, like many people before me, have experienced extreme heartache. I have felt the belt of deceit and her welts are imbeded on my heart. I thought this person would be with me forever. Even though I wasn't happy, I was settled in where I was and thought that one day everything would work out. I was in it for the long haul and there was nothing stopping me from making this work.

Unfortunately, he didn't feel the same way. He traded up or down...depending on how you want to view my replacement. It was hard to get over it. No one really knows the battle that took place inside of me. I was happy that it was over, but afraid of where to go. My persepective of where my life was headed was now jaded. In reality, I was a walking zombie in my twenties. My life didn't really have a purpose. I took it day by day and whatever happened, happened. I carried the relationship and knew no better.

I don't regret any of it. In actuality, I'm tired of even bringing it up. It's in the past and I learned an immense lesson. It may sound cliche, but no one can make you happy, they can only accentuate it. Right now, that I am on the verge of turning thirty, I can say that I am happy and I am more comfortable in my skin. I know who I am and what I want. I finally have a solid perspective on what a relationship should and will be for me.

I would like to meet someone that DOES NOT have a wife or a girlfriend. It seems that recently I've been walking around with a sign that says JEZEBEL posted on my forehead. I mean seriously...what is it about me that makes unavailable men think that I am available to a cheater. I love how nonchalant they are when they tell me that they are in a relationship. Usually goes, "hey, your cute...I have a girlfriend, can I get your number?"

I refuse to acknowledge the fact that men are dogs or that every romantic story that has ever been told was written by a woman. There has to be a loyal man out there with a generous heart that still believes that a woman should be honored and treasured. Someone that knows when to make a woman laugh and when to console her. Where does one find him though?

There has to be a formula to all of this...game is on. =)