~Once I'm gone, I won't live down my deceit.
There's a weight on my shoulder. Something I carry with me every day. It's not something that I constantly think about, but that which I worry about on a daily basis. It something that arrives before I step foot into a room and something that lingers when I walk away. It speaks volumes about who I am and what I stand for. It's what people judge and what people talk about. It will describe me before you even see my face. It's my name.
I'm not sure what recent events in my life have caused me to feel different about it all. Life I mean. It just seems that from one day to the next my life has taken on a new purpose. Before, or I mean after the event, my goal was just to make it to the next day with my sanity. After a while, just like everyone said, it became normal again. But, my normal wasn't normal anymore. It wasn't really me. My "normal" was spirialling out of control. I had no way of controlling it. I began to feel numb.
The zombie status consumed my life. I could no longer taste the wind. My eyes were void of any life. My ears were immune to the scents of the world. I was walking without purpose, searching for something that I didn't know where to find. I recognized my faithless walk and decided things should change. I just didn't know where to start. Something had to be done and it needed to be taken care of before it destroyed what was left of my heart. Just as sure as you are reading my words, I'm not sure that I completely gotten rid of it.
There are times where I wonder if I am able to feel anything at all. The emotions of hearing my neice laugh at one of my jokes, feeling the kind hug of a friend or being caressed by a hopeless romantic no longer bring thrill to me. How can I write a decent plot line if I don't know how things feel. I find myself digging for some kind of emotion. Crying is a task that doesn't come as easy as it once did, laughing is never forced, but it hurts to bring it up. Like, is this what it has come down to?
The things that used to move me and captivate me, just don't do it for me anymore. A heart that used to be filled with such innocence and love for the world and the people in it, has now become a metallic unidentifiable object that sets off metal detectors in airports. It is something to be feared, but yet envied. Sad but true. Having a cold heart is the new fashion accesory craved all over the world.
I can't change the things I've done in the past. Given the opportunity, I don't think I would change it. Life has taught me so much about the strength that resides within me. Had I not been tested, I would have never known. I now know what I stand for, who I stand with and when to sit my butt down and nod my head. It took a while to get to this point. However, I can't seem to shake the coldness that stirs my heart.
There is a fear that comforts my cold. I am afraid to make myself vulnerable again. There are people in my life that I never thought would turn their backs on me or do anything to hurt me. They too, like the losers I got rid of, have taken the option to shove a six inch blade into the small of my back. What I can't shake is blaming the new people for what the old people have done. How do you even begin to trust again after you have been shattered so many times. Picking up the broken pieces and putting them together repeatedly leaves behind jagged edges and a distorted image. No matter how hard you try to regain what you once were, it's nearly impossible.
Now I am faced with a dilema. It's not anything serious. But, it feels right. The urge and temptation to turn and run is always there. I am trying to fight it. The universe knows this and is pushing me back, but I am resilient, I am battling that force with my last breathe. The whole time I wonder, why bother? It's just going to end up in damaging heartache and what if I can't fix it again? What if this will be the one that will finally break me? Do I really want that?
The truth is I don't. I want to know what it's like to respond to a gentle kiss again and feel that stiring emotion that shakes your heart and sinks into the pit of your stomach. I want to look into someone's eyes and feel their love for me. I want to feel comfortable to break down in tears and be ok with a comforting hug. I no longer want to live in fear of being betrayed and being hurt. I want to live again.
For those that sit around praying for a cold non emotional heart, thing again. Take it from a cold hearted emotionally closed down individual. It's a lonely world out here. It's scary when nothing moves you and nothing motivates you. Just like before when I was trying to survive the incident and I carefully placed one foot in front of the other, I will achieve my goal. The only difference is that this time around I have to undo what I did.
So why bother you ask? Because, I want to be. I will hold on, but this time I won't bleed. My zombie will be killed off and will finally decompose and rest where it fell. I will live again and I will live down the deceit that gave me strength to go one. I will be human again.
