Baseball bought us together. Inability to commit tore us apart. There was something about his eyes that immediately registered with me. There was a kindness, a loving touch hidden between his intimidating demeanors. He made me comfortable from the first time I said hello. It felt as if I had known him my whole life. For the first time in my life, I actually believed in the idea of having a soul mate.
We were both divorced. He had a child, I wanted one. We were in the same line of work. We both had a similar manner in dealing with people. He was the extrovert, I the introvert. He was the balance I longed for and desperately needed. I was the spunk he was missing in his life. So, why is it that I find myself without him?
From the beginning, I was more open that he could have ever wished for. Coming from many failed relationships, I was done with the sugar coating and the BS that is normally associated with dating. I was up front from the beginning. “All that I expect and could ever ask from you is honesty.” I asked him. I also threw in there that if I ever caught him lying that would be the end of my respect and our friendship. He promised to never lie and asked the same from me. It was a done deal.
He told me he was in the process of getting a divorce. It wasn’t final. They had a child in common and multiple properties. My divorce was simple and uncontested. His complicated. I was a virgin to his issues. However, I offered my support and was there to listen when he didn’t have an ear. I don’t think we ever really went out on a date. All of our outings were surrounding baseball games that I willingly provided my television for; he would bring the wings and beer. We formed a bond.
I could feel myself catching feelings and I knew it was time to establish what we were and what we were going to be. We, yes WE, both decided that we were not prepared for something serious. Things were going good the way that they were and there was no reason to spoil it by placing a title on it. We would wait for his issues to be settled, but in the meantime, we were going to enjoy each other’s company.
I don’t know why it hit me the way that it hit me, when I found out he was also dating one of my co-workers. Turns out this co-worker was married. I don’t know what bothered me more, the fact that she was a MARRIED woman or the fact that he was sleeping with someone that I saw on a regular basis. Either way, it disgusted me. Just like I had promised, I asked him about it. No sugar coating, no leading up to the line of questioning. I wanted to know.
He was hesitant at first, and tried to cover up his tracks. I never ask a question that I don’t already know the answer to and I ALWAYS do my homework. I like to be prepared with an opening argument and a solid case. I normally wing it when it comes to my closing statement. He failed on all accounts. I believe I even went so far as to add my own truths and see where that would lead me. Of course, my bluff worked in my favor because he gave me more information than what I cared to know.
Although, I felt a sting in my heart, I called it quits. There was no point in working towards reconciliation. Keeping in mind that we were never official, I was offended that he was actually dating other people. We were never a couple, I had hopes that one day we would be. I gave him the respect that I felt he deserved. Even though, I had many opportunities to see other people, I never gave in. I wanted his voice to be my wake up call, I wanted him to be my first call after work, I only wanted his lips to brush up against mine, I wanted his hugs to console me….there was no one else for me.
After a couple of months of being free from him, a death rekindled our relationship. I wanted to make sure he was okay, and we began talking again. Once again, I found myself falling for him. This time around, I was going to keep myself on guard. I was going to date around and not be committed and I definitely would not sleep with him. I was going to stay sober from this drug that consumed me and left me empty inside. It didn’t work.
Within a couple of days, my relapse had begun. I sent him and email one night, where I confessed my feelings for him. I told him that I was ready to settle down again. I saw myself getting married and having children one day. Don’t misunderstand me; I wasn’t rushing him down the isle. I’m not even sure that he is “the one.” But, I do know that I am getting older and that I am done with the games. I am currently only accepting serious applications.
We had a decent conversation. He wasn’t where I was. He didn’t see himself getting married ever again. I totally could deal with that. The deal breaker however, he did not want more children. He had a son already from his previous relationship. Kids were out of the question. I couldn’t compromise on that note. He understood. He didn’t want to lose me and wanted me in his life. I couldn’t be his friend and accept the fact that he would be with someone else. Call it quits again. I had to get over him.
I know this is redundant, but we were at it again. Actually, we are at that point again. I love being around him. He has this comforting aura about him. My guard is immediately brought down and the major stressors in life become nothing in his presence. When I am wrapped up in his arms, I feel protected from all the evils in this world. I have deep emotions for this man. He knows me like no other.
But, yet, we just aren’t meant to be.
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