Was it all a dream?

She walked into the bustling Starbucks and I swear the room paralyzed with each step she took towards me. Suddenly, I was the center of her world, while the rest of them watched. They stared in our direction, but no one looked at her. They stared at me. As if with one look she would destroy my creation. She smiled passively. This set me at ease and I returned the smile and gestured for her to join me at the table. The chair appeared as she slowly made her body fold at the waist. She never took her eyes off of me.

The espresso machine let a drip of coffee fall into the shot glass and the room became chaos once again. Her eyes never left me. The smile was genuine. I began searching for a reason in her eyes, yet she gave me none. She just smiled with tenderness and purity. I knew that it had taken a while for her to get to this place. I could see the pain and heartbreak that lingered, almost hovered in her past. But, she just wouldn't let it affect her. She didn't let it bring her down.

Before I spread my lips apart in an attempt to make a sound, her hand went up to stop me. "I know what you want to know, but first I need my coffee." Her blue eyes glimmered and there was no demeaning tone in her words, just a urging sense of happiness.

She reached her hand out in front of her and a white mug appeared before her. She lifted up the ceramic mug and allowed her lips to hug either side of the glass as she sipped on her truth serum. She intrigued me and I wanted to be just like her.

I bought my hand to my throat to make sure I didn't mumble that out loud, because as soon as I thought it, she smiled and put the coffee down and looked deep into my being. She said "Soon,  you will be."

"I'll start at the beginning," she started. "It all happened on the day that you woke up and said, I have had enough. You sat back and then you realized that your entire existence has been centered around everything but you. You finally decided that for once, you would hold yourself up on a pedestal and not wait for someone else to do it for you. It felt good to make that decision. But, after the decision was made, came the hard part. You actually have to do it."

"I'm lost," I said. "do what?"

"I know you're lost honey, that's why I came." She smiled again and took another sip of her coffee. 

The room suddenly got quiet again. I began to look around and the people in the Starbucks were again staring at me. This time it was different though. I knew these people. They were co-workers, family, friends, former-friends...it was people I had daily encounters with. They weren't saying anything audible. Or if it was audible I couldn't hear them. I couldn't tell what they were trying to say. Some where more animated than others and were jumping up and down reaching out their hands to me trying to get my attention, but I couldn't hear them. I just didn't understand.

"Focus on me, not on them." She said. Her voice took a stronger tone. There was still that loving sincerity I sense from the moment she walked in, but she was a tad bit agitated that I did not make her the center of my thoughts. 

"This is exactly what has lead you to where you are sitting right now." Her focus became narrow and her voice was the only sound in the room. "I know what you want. You want to change the world. You want to do amazing things and touch the lives of many. You want a shining reputation and you never want someone to doubt you and who you are. But, think of those that you have ignored along the way. Think of those that you have stepped on and totally disregarded their existence. What of them? What do you think they say about you? Does it bother you?."

I was almost afraid to answer. I didn't know where this was going. I answered anyway. Not verbally, I was too afraid for that. I just shaked my head, no.

"You know why it doesn't bother you?." Her gaze lowered and she was tracing every outline in my face as if she were painting a self portrait.

"No." My voice didn't sound like my own. It sounded beaten.

"It didn't bother you because those people do not deserve you in their lives. You know the difference between right and wrong. You know what's good for you and what is bad for you. But, you still keep leaning towards the bad. Why? Why do you always do that? Don't you realize your worth? Don't you know how priceless a soul like yours is?"

I sat back and thought about it for a while. I couldn't find the value. Tears rolled down my cheeks.

"I'm not here to make you cry." She wiped the tears from my face with a white little handkerchief with lilies on it. It smelled just like my grandfather. It kind of looked like his too. "I am here to show you what you have been missing out on. I am here to light that fire under your butt that you so desperately need. It's time..."

Friendship....or lack thereof

Remember what it was like when you were a kid? You arrive at the play yard, ditch your parents and head to the most awesomest part of the play yard. For some it may have been the monkey bars, the slide, the sand pit....but for me it was always the swing. I would run for the first empty one I saw, hoping all the way that no one else would take my swing. It was MY swing after all. I saw it first.

I would jump on and swing myself. But, no matter how hard I tried, I was limited. I needed to find someone to push me to get maximum air lift. So what to do next? Well, you look for the kid that is patiently waiting for their turn and ask them to push you. You would typically say, "Hey, you want to push me and then I'll push you." As a kid waiting for the swing, what are your options really? The kid would of course agree to the terms and you would take turns pushing each other. When you felt you had enough you would either move on to something else or head over to your mom. Mom would always ask, who was that? You would answer, my friend.

It was simple back then, wasn't it? You would give a little, get a little and automatically this person was your friend. It was a time of innocent trust and simple pleasure. There really was no betrayal (unless you were a total jerk when you were a kid and if that's the case stop reading because this blog post isn't FOR you, it's ABOUT you) (on second thought, keep reading you might learn something and stop being a jerk for the rest of your life.) You surrounded yourself around people that made you feel good inside. You were just interested in having fun. The simple pleasures. 

Susy is the sunshine of the workplace. She comes in everyday with a smile and always has a joke to make you laugh. She is the first one in and the last one out. She will never turn you down and makes herself available to everyone regardless of the strain it may put on her. She is the backbone of the definition of friend. At the same token. Susy is very private. She keeps to herself and no one can really tell you about her life, but they call her friend.

One day, Susy is a couple of minutes late to work. A first for her. She doesn't seem like herself. She isn't smiling or cracking jokes. She seems preoccupied with something. People approach her and ask her, "Susy...everything ok." She gives them a half smile and nods her head, "yea, I'm fine thanks." They take it at face value and bombard Susy with request for advice and make her a landing zone for life worries. 


Days go by and Susy isn't the same. She seems different. They ask her for a favor and she turns them down. She seems distant and doesn't want to talk. She seems fed up all the time and she is constantly on edge. Each time someone asks her what's wrong, Susy says nothing. 

Instead of either sitting down with her and telling her, hey lets talk about what's going on with you or maybe looking internally and saying, "did I do something to her?" People begin speaking about her. They complain about her. Suddenly, all the selfless things that Susy did doesn't matter anymore. The support system that these people relied on for such a long time, is no longer there and they are upset. Simply upset because Susy has finally realized that she is being taken advantage of. 


You see friendships are not about give, give, give while the other person sits there and takes, takes, takes. No, friendships are I give you a little and you give me that in return. I may be wrong about this (I have been mistaken in the past), but isn't all about I push you and you push me. When one person feels that they are being taken advantage of, then what's the point in continuing that friendship?

I pride myself in being a good friend. There have been many times where I have given more than I should have, even put my life on hold because of my love for another. How many times in your life have you sacrificed sleep, money, comfort, time, etc. for the well being of someone you call friend? 

I cannot count the times I have done all of those things and then some for someone else. I can count, however, the times I have been trampled on and used. I'm not saying that I am now becoming a hostile person, but I can say that I have finally reached my breaking point. There comes a time in your life when you know that you have had enough. I have had enough.


In the true spirit of my search for FIDES, I know that there are times when you hold on and times when you say goodbye. The time for me to say goodbye is now. No more excuses will be made for people, because I find myself constantly explaining why they do why they do it. The time has come for those people that rely on my sweat and tears as a crutch to let go and stand on their own two feet. I choose to stand for me and me alone. I can't teach you to be strong. It's all about fighting your own weakness that you discover your own personal strength. I can no longer be strong for you.

If you take this the wrong way, then this was meant for you. God bless.

White Bean and Chicken Chili

I believed her. She stared into the camera and with this innocent sincerity said "You're going to love this." I trusted her. Her words were delicious and her sense of certainty was inviting. Whater she was offering, I wanted in. I was taking this opportunity and running. I knew deep down inside this was going to be good for me.

This is the meal she promised me. She ensured me that when I followed every single instruction she laid in my path, not only would it look like this, but it would also taste very good. You see, when she took her spoon and dipped it in the chili, out came a big old chunk of happiness. She looked into the camera with a big smile, taunted me and said, "I wish you could smell this." Then, once she felt she had her way with me, she tasted it. Her eyes closed and she transcended into chicken and white bean chili bliss.

I was left on the other side of the screen in awe. I wanted to be submerged into savory goodness. My mouth was salivating (Ok, so I kinda sorta drooled) and I wanted what she had. I needed to transcend into chili bliss and close my eyes and say how DELICIOUS this was. I too wanted to share in that pride that comes with accomplishing a goal and immersing yourself in the sweet sweet glory that comes with knowing you worked your butt off. You know, that kind of self worth that only comes when you do something yourself and no one helped you and it all turned out just fine because you did it. I like to call it, THE ACHIEVEMENT OF INDEPENDENCE.

So, I hear her say that I could go to the website get the recipe and have a content tummy too. I did it. I went to the website, found the recipe and hit print. I was buying a one way ticket to culinary glory and there was no stopping me. YUM YUM CHILI HERE I COME!!! I read the instructions and start going through the ingredients. Of course since I consider myself a master chef, I have pretty much everything in my kitchen that needs to go into this thing. Except for the main ingredient, GROUND CHICKEN. Who has ground chicken lying around? Who came up with that anyway? Times like this I wish I had the meat grinder attachment for my KitchenAid mixer. 

I write down a couple of items that I didn't have in my cabinets of awesome. Ground chicken, swiss chard(never cooked with it before) , cumin (ran out), cannellini beans (never heard of these things), frozen corn and ummmm oh yeah, chicken stock and some parm cheese. Got my list programed in my iPhone and I'm off to the grocery store.

Walking through the grocery store, temptation lies in every corner. I don't know if I mentioned it, but I am on a diet. I have made a commitment to myself to get into the shape that I have always dreamed of. Think Jillian Michaels. In other words, I am disciplining myself. Hence, there are items that I must refrain from eating. If its not taking me to the sexy mountain peak, then i'm not getting on that lift!

DOESN'T THAT 240 CALORIE COKE LOOK DELISH -------->

However, I can't help the delishishness that lies behind the magical glass doors of yum town. It seems that everything has my name on it. From the fresh baked bread in the bakery to the happy cupcakes winking in my directon. (Cupcakes goes great with chili right?) I fight the urge and move forward with my shopping list. Only because I've been really good on my diet (lost fifteen pounds in one month) and the fat lady eating the package of Entenmann's chocolate donuts reminds me that temptation only leads to demise.

Ok, back to the story. I get home and I start following all of the directions. I start off with prepping all of my ingredients. I want everything to be perfect so that I can pretend to have my own cooking show and be just as awesome, but not as crazy looking as Giada. I don't have cool little prep bowls but my Hello Kitty bowls and measuring cups do the trick. After a bowlful of tears (thanks to a whole chopped onion), I finally have everything prepped. I start going down the list of the steps and begin following them them one by one. I've become a tad bit familiar with the recipe since I read it over and over and over again, prior to starting. The cockiness settles in and I'm good to go.

I get everything in the pot and I'm happy with my results thus far. This ting is going to be amazing.

Not to shabby huh? Well, the directions tell me to simmer and I do just that. In order to kill time and wait for my bowl of goodness I grab my book, grab my Jeter and a bottle of water and wait it out. In an hour I will have perfect edible happy chili.

YEAH!! So like my arrogance over shadowed my ability to read directions. You see after I waited a whole freaking hour to have this amazing chili, I walk over to the stove and realize that I've been literally SIMMERING this thing for an hour. So the pot of chili didn't cook down the way it was supposed to due to the lack of heat. I turn up the heat a tad and decide to take a shower in order to wash away my pang of failure and redeem some sense of confidence. It also helped to distract my tummy from the aching desire to grab a spoon and eat it anyway.

Eventually, after beating my mind into a culinary pulp, I walk over and my delish creation is ready for tasting. It's reduced the way it's supposed to. The smell of cumin and fennel seeds and chicken and freaking delishishness is running through my house. I am a happy camper. I give it the finishing touches and BBAAAMM (SN:What the heck happened to Emeril Lagasse?) 

And here's the finished product:

Trust me when I tell you that it taste SO MUCH BETTER THAN WHAT IT LOOKS!!! It has a chili flavor but it's a tad bit sweet. The heat smacks your taste buds after the third spoonful. I know I am an amazing cook. But, I cannot bask in sweet glory until I have confirmation. After all, the falling tree only makes a sound if someone is around to hear it. (or does it?)

The tried and true test is once my friends try it and tell me how it came out.  For the time being, I am relying on my own taste buds and these bad boys don't lie! (ooo it's soooo delish)

I had a vision. I saw something that I believed was good for me. It's something that I wanted. I set a goal for myself and moved foward. She mastered it and I wanted too also.

I refused to sit on my rear end and hope that this wonderful bowl of chili would appear out of thin air. NO. I followed the steps that were laid out before me and discovered greatness. The minor speed bumps did not phase me. I reached my goal despite my set backs.

 

In sumbery (sorry I have some chili in my mouth) Don't sit back and complain about what you don't have. Go out there and work for it and get it for yourself. **CLICHE ALERT** It taste so much better when you enjoy the fruits OR CHILI of your labor. =) 

Thanks for reading... I'm going to get back to this bowl of chili. MMMM MMMM TASTE GOOD!

What's it all about again?

This is going to be the year that I (fill in the blank). Yup, I have sat back and watched life happen before me, but NO MORE!! This is my year. This is going to be the year that I will finally meet my goal. There is nothing that's going to stop me. I am motivated. There is nothing... I mean absolutely nothing... that will stand in my way. I will achieve greatness in 2012!

Ok, so it's been twenty-five days into the New Year. Where do you stand? Did you find that new relationship, quit smoking, lose weight, save money? Did you become that nicer person, make more time for your family, live each day as if it were your last? Wait... let me guess, you FINALLY found that dream job and are slowly climbing that ladder to success JUST LIKE YOU ALWAYS SAID!!! Soon enough, that bank account will increase, you will be happy and you will have nothing at all to worry about. Congrats! I'm happy for you.

No really, I am happy for you. Don't focus on my frown, focus on the fact that you are headed in the right direction. I'm proud of you. Now, for the rest of you that are trying to hide your disappointment, (Not that I am, because my lips normally go down when I smile, its cool. I'm not jealous at all. For real) come take a seat next to me and lets comfort each other in the land of unkept promises and defeat.

Let's talk this thing out. What is it about the new year that creates all this excitement and potential for something new and something hopeful. Why is it that we have to wait for numbers on a calendar to change before we decided, I've had enough and things are going to change? Why? Why? Why? Here are my thoughts...stay with me on this one, I'll get to the point eventually.

So Jeter wakes up every morning and goes crazy. He jumps up on the side of the bed with this huge doggie smile and this excitement as if to say, DID YOU SEE...IT'S A NEW DAY. GET UP! GET UP! GET UP! My reaction always is..."ugh, five more minutes." Telling him that is like hitting the snooze button on an alarm. He'll be back at it, with the same innocent excitement. MOOOMMMIIEEEEE, WAKE UP! WE MADE IT! ANOTHER DAY! LET'S DO THIS!!!

Eventually, I'll get tired of his excitement, because who told you that we should be excited today. It's freaking seven in the morning. SEVEN IN THE MORNING JETER!! I'll reach over, pull him up on the bed and after he is done trying to wake me up with doggie slobber and gentle nibbling, he finally gives in and collapses in front of me. Bam...battle won and now he won't move, nor harass me until I decide it's time to wake up. I have to decide to wake up.

Ok, so now back to my point. (I told you, I'll bring you back!) Jeter doesn't care what day it is or what time it is. Once he wakes up...it's go time. He has opened the gift of life one more day and he doesn't plan on wasting it. He wakes up with the I-will-conquer-the-world-attitude and there is nothing that is going to come between him and his day of awesomeness. That is until he comes across me. The cuddler of crushed dreams. I tell him, no your not ready. But, he knows that he is. He walks away for a moment or so, but is back in my face with this c'mon lady I want this and I want it now attitude.

However, I know him. I know how to knock him down. I know how to crush his happiness and get him into that lazy state where I am comfortable and I am happy knowing he is not doing anything and I can rest knowing I am not going to miss anything and he isn't going to do anything. I grab him and I give him what he longs for. Comfort. The comfort in knowing that nothing has changed and everything has stayed exactly the same. He can conquer the world when I am ready for him to conquer the world.

Don't look at me like that. I told you there was a point to this story and I'm getting there. You see, every day is a blessing. It's one more day that you are able to make an impact in this world. You can either enter into it with a blind innocence that no matter what, you are going to be happy. You are going to meet your goals. You are going to do what you set out to do. OR you can take the opposite approach and go back to what is comfortable. You can choose to fall into the arms of days past and continue to live your life in the same routine and never experience something new.

So here's what I'm saying. Learn to let go. Don't carry that weight from 2011. Don't get disappointed if you've already gave up on your new years resolutions. It's not about a new year, it's all about a new day. Each day is an opportunity to take a step forward in life and live out one more dream, say one more thank you, one more I love you. It's all about baby steps people. **CLICHE WARNING** Rome wasn't built in a day (did I do that right?) and neither can a new you.

I leave you with this thought, before you go to bed tonight think of one thing that you don't want to do tomorrow. Fill that void with something you do want to do. Make it a point that NO MATTER what the cuddler of crushed dreams bribes you with, do it. If you give in, aim to do it the next day and the next day. You'll get it right. I promise.

2012, welcome...but it's not about you. It's all about tomorrow.

People change...or so I was told

~Once I'm gone, I won't live down my deceit.

There's a weight on my shoulder. Something I carry with me every day. It's not something that I constantly think about, but that which I worry about on a daily basis. It something that arrives before I step foot into a room and something that lingers when I walk away. It speaks volumes about who I am and what I stand for. It's what people judge and what people talk about. It will describe me before you even see my face. It's my name.

I'm not sure what recent events in my life have caused me to feel different about it all. Life I mean. It just seems that from one day to the next my life has taken on a new purpose. Before, or I mean after the event, my goal was just to make it to the next day with my sanity. After a while, just like everyone said, it became normal again. But, my normal wasn't normal anymore. It wasn't really me. My "normal" was spirialling out of control. I had no way of controlling it. I began to feel numb.

The zombie status consumed my life. I could no longer taste the wind. My eyes were void of any life. My ears were immune to the scents of the world. I was walking without purpose, searching for something that I didn't know where to find. I recognized my faithless walk and decided things should change. I just didn't know where to start. Something had to be done and it needed to be taken care of before it destroyed what was left of my heart. Just as sure as you are reading my words, I'm not sure that I completely gotten rid of it.

There are times where I wonder if I am able to feel anything at all. The emotions of hearing my neice laugh at one of my jokes, feeling the kind hug of a friend or being caressed by a hopeless romantic no longer bring thrill to me. How can I write a decent plot line if I don't know how things feel. I find myself digging for some kind of emotion. Crying is a task that doesn't come as easy as it once did, laughing is never forced, but it hurts to bring it up. Like, is this what it has come down to?

The things that used to move me and captivate me, just don't do it for me anymore. A heart that used to be filled with such innocence and love for the world and the people in it, has now become a metallic unidentifiable object that sets off metal detectors in airports. It is something to be feared, but yet envied. Sad but true. Having a cold heart is the new fashion accesory craved all over the world.

I can't change the things I've done in the past. Given the opportunity, I don't think I would change it. Life has taught me so much about the strength that resides within me. Had I not been tested, I would have never known. I now know what I stand for, who I stand with and when to sit my butt down and nod my head. It took a while to get to this point. However, I can't seem to shake the coldness that stirs my heart.

There is a fear that comforts my cold. I am afraid to make myself vulnerable again. There are people in my life that I never thought would turn their backs on me or do anything to hurt me. They too, like the losers I got rid of, have taken the option to shove a six inch blade into the small of my back. What I can't shake is blaming the new people for what the old people have done. How do you even begin to trust again after you have been shattered so many times. Picking up the broken pieces and putting them together repeatedly leaves behind jagged edges and a distorted image. No matter how hard you try to regain what you once were, it's nearly impossible.

Now I am faced with a dilema. It's not anything serious. But, it feels right. The urge and temptation to turn and run is always there. I am trying to fight it. The universe knows this and is pushing me back, but I am resilient, I am battling that force with my last breathe. The whole time I wonder, why bother? It's just going to end up in damaging heartache and what if I can't fix it again? What if this will be the one that will finally break me? Do I really want that?

The truth is I don't. I want to know what it's like to respond to a gentle kiss again and feel that stiring emotion that shakes your heart and sinks into the pit of your stomach. I want to look into someone's eyes and feel their love for me. I want to feel comfortable to break down in tears and be ok with a comforting hug. I no longer want to live in fear of being betrayed and being hurt. I want to live again.

For those that sit around praying for a cold non emotional heart, thing again. Take it from a cold hearted emotionally closed down individual. It's a lonely world out here. It's scary when nothing moves you and nothing motivates you. Just like before when I was trying to survive the incident and I carefully placed one foot in front of the other, I will achieve my goal. The only difference is that this time around I have to undo what I did.

So why bother you ask? Because, I want to be. I will hold on, but this time I won't bleed. My zombie will be killed off and will finally decompose and rest where it fell. I will live again and I will live down the deceit that gave me strength to go one. I will be human again.