Friendship....or lack thereof

Remember what it was like when you were a kid? You arrive at the play yard, ditch your parents and head to the most awesomest part of the play yard. For some it may have been the monkey bars, the slide, the sand pit....but for me it was always the swing. I would run for the first empty one I saw, hoping all the way that no one else would take my swing. It was MY swing after all. I saw it first.

I would jump on and swing myself. But, no matter how hard I tried, I was limited. I needed to find someone to push me to get maximum air lift. So what to do next? Well, you look for the kid that is patiently waiting for their turn and ask them to push you. You would typically say, "Hey, you want to push me and then I'll push you." As a kid waiting for the swing, what are your options really? The kid would of course agree to the terms and you would take turns pushing each other. When you felt you had enough you would either move on to something else or head over to your mom. Mom would always ask, who was that? You would answer, my friend.

It was simple back then, wasn't it? You would give a little, get a little and automatically this person was your friend. It was a time of innocent trust and simple pleasure. There really was no betrayal (unless you were a total jerk when you were a kid and if that's the case stop reading because this blog post isn't FOR you, it's ABOUT you) (on second thought, keep reading you might learn something and stop being a jerk for the rest of your life.) You surrounded yourself around people that made you feel good inside. You were just interested in having fun. The simple pleasures. 

Susy is the sunshine of the workplace. She comes in everyday with a smile and always has a joke to make you laugh. She is the first one in and the last one out. She will never turn you down and makes herself available to everyone regardless of the strain it may put on her. She is the backbone of the definition of friend. At the same token. Susy is very private. She keeps to herself and no one can really tell you about her life, but they call her friend.

One day, Susy is a couple of minutes late to work. A first for her. She doesn't seem like herself. She isn't smiling or cracking jokes. She seems preoccupied with something. People approach her and ask her, "Susy...everything ok." She gives them a half smile and nods her head, "yea, I'm fine thanks." They take it at face value and bombard Susy with request for advice and make her a landing zone for life worries. 


Days go by and Susy isn't the same. She seems different. They ask her for a favor and she turns them down. She seems distant and doesn't want to talk. She seems fed up all the time and she is constantly on edge. Each time someone asks her what's wrong, Susy says nothing. 

Instead of either sitting down with her and telling her, hey lets talk about what's going on with you or maybe looking internally and saying, "did I do something to her?" People begin speaking about her. They complain about her. Suddenly, all the selfless things that Susy did doesn't matter anymore. The support system that these people relied on for such a long time, is no longer there and they are upset. Simply upset because Susy has finally realized that she is being taken advantage of. 


You see friendships are not about give, give, give while the other person sits there and takes, takes, takes. No, friendships are I give you a little and you give me that in return. I may be wrong about this (I have been mistaken in the past), but isn't all about I push you and you push me. When one person feels that they are being taken advantage of, then what's the point in continuing that friendship?

I pride myself in being a good friend. There have been many times where I have given more than I should have, even put my life on hold because of my love for another. How many times in your life have you sacrificed sleep, money, comfort, time, etc. for the well being of someone you call friend? 

I cannot count the times I have done all of those things and then some for someone else. I can count, however, the times I have been trampled on and used. I'm not saying that I am now becoming a hostile person, but I can say that I have finally reached my breaking point. There comes a time in your life when you know that you have had enough. I have had enough.


In the true spirit of my search for FIDES, I know that there are times when you hold on and times when you say goodbye. The time for me to say goodbye is now. No more excuses will be made for people, because I find myself constantly explaining why they do why they do it. The time has come for those people that rely on my sweat and tears as a crutch to let go and stand on their own two feet. I choose to stand for me and me alone. I can't teach you to be strong. It's all about fighting your own weakness that you discover your own personal strength. I can no longer be strong for you.

If you take this the wrong way, then this was meant for you. God bless.

Friends are love...

There are those times in life that one feels alone. Its that feeling where you think that there is no one in the world that understands you. Since no one understands you, then no one cares. And, since no one cares, what's the point of going on? Then the craziness and the madness starts. Take it from me, I've been there more than once in my life. I have to say that the cliche of take it day by day or what doesn't kill you make you stronger....yeah, they are all on point.

Last night I had one of those moments. Or actually this whole trip was like that. I was hesitant to come because of the circumstances that occured prior to this. I wanted to crawl into a hole and dwell on my own sadness. I guess I should give you some background information before the epiphany of my life slapped me to my knees yesterday.

Ok, so it all starts with an ex-boyfriend of mine. He and I had a good relationship. I would have to say that it was my first REAL adult relationship. Yeah, I know that I was married and with the same man for the beginning of my twenties AND we were together for about eight years. But, I wouldn't call that an adult relationship. It was more of friendship with aspirations to become a relationship. But, enough about that.

Ex-boyfriend or Bruce (name has been changed DUH!) had a relationship like none I have ever experienced. We talked a lot. But, it was more than talking. It was communications. I would speak, he would listen, he would give his thoughts on the subject and vise versa. Everything was on the table. There was nothing that we couldn't discuss. For the first time, my thoughts didn't scare me. He taught me the art of communication and how to have an arguement without shouting and without judgement.

Example: Our arguements would flow like this:
"I can't believe you just said that."
"Said what?"
"That you prefer pink."
"I don't get it. What's the point?"
"How can you like pink? Your such a jerk sometimes."
"It's my opinion. You have yours and I have mine. And, your right...the way that I said it made me come off as a jerk, BUT not the words. I should've said it differently. I didn't mean to upset you. I'm sorry."

I'm sure you guessed that he would be the green, while I would be the peachy color. Our relationship was awesome. We would go out and he would always ask me what I wanted to do and would never complain about it. He would laugh and have a good time no matter where we were. We never had any uncomfortable silences. The silence was soothing. We were comfortable with one another. But, I feel way before he did and ummm he had a situation that he never told me about. He was still married.

Needless to say, our relationship ended and our friendship continued. When I say friendship, I mean friendship. He's there when I need him and he understands me like no other. He gets me and he gets my craziness. He accepts me for who I am and we can still talk and hang out like we used to. I respect his marriage (now that I know he has one) and he respects my single life and the fact that I go out on dates. Why am I telling you this?

Well, someone came into my life soon after he exited who was single. He meet all the qualifications and we were off. We were soulmates. I wrote about him a couple of days ago, the post is titled "My Soul Mate?". Up until last night, I believed that we were. Everything was there. We could talk, we shared the same passion for baseball, had similar retirement plans...we were a match made in heaven.

Last night, over a sober game which lead into a conversation, two of my besties started to analyze my relationship. One more than the other. She asked me what I saw in my "soulmate." My reaction was like dude, you met him. You had a conversation with him. You told me you liked the way he interacted with me, the way he respected me and the way he gave me this caring look. I told her that she had given me the green light. Then she asked the question that changed everything.

"Other than your shared love of baseball, what else do you like about him?" Seemingly, this should have come easy. I should have been able to gush about him and my answer should have been, "where do I start?" Instead, I found myself struggling with why I like him so much. It was his eyes, his height...no....he's smart, he has a solid career....no...none of these things had anything to do with why? I mean, this is the answer that you would give a random person on the street, not a good friend.

When women break down men for other women. Women that you are not emotionally connected to, we tend to say "Look at him, why wouldn't I want him." When you break him down to another woman that you are emotionally connected to, you go deeper. You tell her how he makes you feel and you give her details, situations, small insignificant things that meant the world to you. When I couldn't come up with anything to tell her...she said the words that made me fall on my ass. I had the night to sleep on it and I have yet to get find my way back up.

She said, "You are not into him. You are settling. The person that you want is married and is unavailable. You feel that the closet you can find to him is your 'soulmate'. Your 'soulmate' is available and meet some of the qualities that Bruce has but he isn't Bruce. 'Soulmate' is an asshole and Bruce isn't. You are blind to him being an asshole because you are too busy thinking that you aren't going to find anything like that again. Think about it. Do you really want to settle?" Then the other bestie jumped in (she had been quiet this whole time) "You settled for your husband and look how that turned out." Then they both exited the room.

Well, I'm in analysis mode right now. But the point of this story is that friends are hard to come by. Friends that understand you, love you, and who give you harsh words for your improvement are a needle in a haystack. I have said this many times before and I will never tire of saying this. I am blessed to have the people that I have in my life. If friends are the family that we choose for ourselves, I've held on to a great set of people. Each one has their own personality, their own ways, and they have different backgrounds. The one thing that they all have in common is that they love me.

God has blessed me many times. From the family that I was born into, to the challenges I have had to face and overcome, to the people he has put in my path and has held there throughout the years. There's a calm in knowing that whatever dark times lie ahead, I have a solid support base. They know me well enough to know when I lie to myself and call me on it. My peace of mind is priceless and that's what friends do for you.